I am sure anyone who has ever played a video game has done something completely stupid while playing. Perhaps it was an epic death where the character just kind of zoomed off a ledge, or planting a bomb too close to home, we've all done it. I want to sit here tonight and discuss some of the finer moments of video game stupidity that I (and my friends) have done.
The one that really stands out for me is an episode involving Squaresoft's Final Fantasy VIII. My friend Heather and I had been plowing through the game since beating XATM092 **no, I didn't have to look that up, I remembered it...** and we were super excited to find out more about the story.
There comes a point where you must navigate the far northern part of the continent and look for Trabia Garden, where the character Selphie had transferred from. Now, finding a pretty big landmark on a barren, white map seems as if it would be quite easy, right? Well, that would be wrong, at least in our case.
We spent about an hour zooming above the map, trying to find this alleged place, only to have to pause the game to run into town. Topic of discussion for the ride was this garden and whether or not the game was playing US.
Upon returning to my house, we unpaused the game and I turned around.
I suppose you can guess what I saw there, right? Trabia Garden, in all of its f*ckbombed glory.
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Donkey Kong Country is the game that got me started in the gaming world when I was eight. My cousins had the SNES and I got one for Christmas; it was the DKC SNES PACK! I think I still have the box, actually. It has palm trees on it, AWESOME. Well, SNES video games (for you crazies who have played them) are actually pretty hard in comparison to some of the fluff kids have today. DKC is no exception.
I guess what I am trying to say is, in the fifteen years since I've been playing games, I would say about 45% of the deaths accumulated under my name have been due to completely ridiculous deaths in DKC. In case you're wondering, 50% are the hundreds of deaths I racked up in FFXI online in a year. The remaining 5% is...everything else.
I think one of the funniest deaths you can have in DKC is running while on one of the pets. You're cruising a hell of a lot faster than you would be on ape or monkey feet, the air is cool, the enemies are bowing beneath you....then...
~BAM~
Since you got caught up in the moment, you ran right off a cliff. Good job, asshole.
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Echo Night is a rather silly game for the PS1. You are on a haunted ship, and the main point, beyond getting items and solving puzzles, is to keep the lights on; if they lights aren't on, chances are you will be nosh noshed to death by some ghostly crew member.
Well, Heather and I used to have this system when it came to scary games, because I proudly admit to being a pansy. I would do the running around and puzzle-solving, but when the nasties came out, I'd throw the controller at Heather so she could finish the job. It was a good system, to me.
Anyway, I was putzing around in Echo Night, ready to hit the kitchen area. Naturally, when I went in said kitchen, the lights were not on. First clue. I started towards the other side of the room to look for a light switch, but halfway through there was a rumbling and probably a woot woot; me, being the panicker I am, didn't throw the controller, but paused it.
Let me make a side note here. Most games, when you pause them, come up with an opaque menu screen. Echo Night does not.
Well, I paused right on the mangled and dead face of some sort of king person. Ps1 graphics are not generally scary, but this was enough to make me a sadkaty. Not only did I pause on him, but he had glowing red eyes and was about to--you guessed it-- nosh nosh my face.
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One of my more recent moments came in FFXI while I was helping a friend do a quest. First of all, this quest is in Xarcabard, a barren wasteland. Second, I was on my paladin just putzing around til we got to the place, and was decked out in opaline wear with sword and shield.
I got to the first cave where we fight one of three notorious monsters; without realizing it, I had meandered my way right into the monster. Suddenly, my paladin was getting hit and I was still dressed like a two-cent whore with a sword and shield.
Turns out, even a level 75 character can sight aggro these NMs.
Luckily, our dragoon friend showed up when my paladin had almost exhausted all of her defense.
Word of caution: don't putz around in caves.
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This next moment comes from Final Fantasy IX. There is a point in the game where you must split up your entire character list into two parties and take one group to an evil castle in bum-fuck nowhere. Well, if you're like me, you generally use certain characters more than others, so you have four pimped-out people and the rest are so-so, basically used in emergencies ONRY.
I figured that I would send most of my magic users away, maybe give them one melee. I didn't use much magic in FFIX unless I needed to. Princess Garnet was a waste of space, Eiko was the only one I really used, though I am not ripping on Vivi; he just didn't have the capacity to do the damage I wanted.
So, I sent my mageries and a melee out to this desert palace, thinking that the more brutal stuff would be coming back home.
There are times when you just want to kick yourself, especially when the desert palace you sent your mages to has a magic ban.
You know, you can't use magic. If you've ever tried to melee with a mage, it doesn't really have much of an effect....
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Fin. (for now...)
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